Why Clingy People Get Dumped

28 Feb

You go on a date with a girl Friday night. It’s the infamous third date, so you pull out all the stops: dinner, drinks, even a walk to the ocean to get the romantic juices flowing. Your hard work pays off…she comes back to your place, and after two dates of heavy petting, you are finally rewarded with a sweet bang-sesh. And best of all, this girl is actually pretty cool! You both bask in the post-coital glow, thinking of what may become.

But then it’s morning. She asks if you want to get some breakfast. That seems fair. Some breakfast, then you can hit the beach for some volleyball with your buddies. But now she wants to come to the beach with you. Um…sure, that could be fun. It isn’t, of course, because you have to baby sit her and everyone is wondering why you brought this chick to the volleyball game. But whatever.

After the game, you get lunch together (obviously!), and then it’s back home for a while to just “relax.” Here is where you start to realize that you are truly fucked…it is now inevitable that this girl is going to stay another night, and if you think she’s leaving before football tomorrow, forget it. Your only reward is going to be another bonedown or two…which is rapidly losing its appeal because of how much this chick is annoying you.

Clinginess is the enemy of relationships. And never more so than at the beginning of those relationships. Ironically, this is precisely the moment where clinginess is both the most visible and deadly. You’re thrilled to finally see your bad dating luck change. And this is EXACTLY why you shouldn’t be clingy. Clinginess broadcasts that you feel really lucky to have the other person. It screams that you’ve been lonely. These are not good things to advertise.

Think of it like buying a used car. You go to the dealership and see this awesome BMW. It looks really good. You start imagining yourself in it. Yeah, this could be the one! Then a salesman comes up and starts trying to sell you the car. Quickly, he knocks off five grand. Now, this is way too good a deal. Are you missing something? Are you being suckered? When he nervously knocks another two grand off, you walk away. That salesman’s desperation ruined your beautiful car. Dating is the same. Someone has the Carfax on you…your looks, smarts, and personality all seem great. But when you start getting desperate, it makes them think you might have hidden engine problems. You go from bargain to lemon.

Clinginess seems to disproportionately affect women more than men, by a margin of like 10 to 1. I guess this makes sense—from an evolutionary point of view, sex has different costs for men and women. A woman spends a lot of time debating whether or not you’re genetically worthy of sleeping with, because the act of sex may very well lead to pregnancy. In the days before birth control, once a women decides to sleep with you, she’s essentially buying the farm…she might have to walk around pregnant for nine months, then raise the kid for eighteen years afterward. No small undertaking. She’d better make sure she can hold on to the father to help with the various obstacles that having children will bring. Following this logic, we actually discover something I’ve suspected for years:

Most women are ready to marry any guy they sleep with, and thus clinginess to them seems natural. Sound crazy? Think about it. The cost of marriage to a woman is nothing. In fact, in most societies, it carries huge benefits to the woman. The guy buys you an expensive ring, throws you an elaborate party, and vows to stay faithful and support you the rest of your life. In many cultures, the groom might even have to provide the woman’s family with some land or livestock. A diamond, a party, and some sheep? Sign me up! But the act of having sex with a guy is a whole ‘nother story. That’s the act that produces expensive consequences for a girl. This is why the female “clingy gene” is activated so immediately after the first time she sleeps with a guy. This is of course a one-way street; if the guy decides to never see you again after sleeping with you, he incurs no cost. His belly might be bigger nine months later, but it’s not going to be because there’s some chick’s baby in it.

I guess this is why clingy men, although rarer than clingy women, are ten times more pathetic. Unlike women, men have sort of an anti-cling…once you’ve made the milk delivery, so to speak, there’s not much to be gained from hanging around for chit-chat. Better hurry off to your next stop. And like it or not, I think women are actually quite used to this ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ mentality. So when a girl finds a guy that is madly, desperately in love with her right from the get-go, she knows something is fishy. I know so many guys–good-looking, successful guys–that have scuttled a potentially great relationship by overdoing it with phone calls, gifts, and neediness. You know the type…they hover over you while you email, or invite themselves to family dinners, or get pouty when you explain they’re not invited to Sex in the City 2 with your girlfriends. Bro, relax! You’re squeezing so hard, your knuckles are turning white. And the harder you squeeze something, the more likely it is to slip through your fingers.

I know, you’re probably one of those people who say “I just do what feels right. I hate playing games.” Uh huh. Good luck with that. You’re playing the game whether you want to or not. So I’d advise you to learn the rules. There is, after all, a word for people who play games they don’t understand: Losers.

So friends, if you want to hang on to a guy or girl, do yourself a favor and give them some space. Override that desire to stick your claws in them immediately. And girls, don’t worry…if we like you enough to hang out with you for a day or two, we’re not gonna race out to bars the second you leave to meet other girls. Honestly, hearing you yammer for 48+ hours has killed our libido anyway. The second you leave, we’re gonna crash on the couch, watch Spartacus, then jerk off and go to bed. Your presence is not required and you aren’t missing anything.

And to all you Clingy McClingersons out there, remember: Just like you have the power to broadcast yourself as more desperate than you actually are, you also have the power to broadcast yourself as less desperate than you actually are. Return calls…but not immediately. Send texts, not essays. Refrain from plastering someone’s Facebook wall with ten comments a week. If you’ve hung out Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, then FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, take Thursday and Friday off. Go see a movie with friends. Balance your checkbook. Watch paint dry for all I care. Just don’t be clingy. Overpowering your base instincts is exactly what your ancestors developed that enormous brain for. Use it! Ironically, it is through non-clinginess that you will finally get what you desire…a husband or wife to cling the shit out of for the rest of your life.

32 Responses to “Why Clingy People Get Dumped”

  1. angie February 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

    I disagree with your observation about women being “worse” about this than men. I have encountered tons of clingy men. Even though not the intended effect, it does come off desperate. Your analogy re the car sale is spot on.

    • afarasati February 28, 2011 at 5:48 pm #

      I didn’t say they were worse, just more common. I feel like for every nine guys that complain about this, there’s one girl with the same gripe. That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a disproportionately high number of clingy men in your life…since you’re so beautiful and awesome. Who can blame them!

      (And THAT’s how you build your female fan base).

      • angie March 1, 2011 at 12:09 am #

        ha ha ha. I will always accept your compliments. Flattery will get you everywhere!

        Ok, to be fair, I admit that I hear about this happening to guys more often. However, now that I’m older, I’m noticing it happening to women in increasing numbers.

    • Anonymous December 11, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

      Im also meeting tons of clingy men,they make me feel suffocated lol,after one or two dates they are talking about getting married and having kids,Im not even worried about getting married or having kids

  2. tzopilotl March 2, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    …well, isn’t it about, if s/he likes me there must be
    something wrong with him/her as i know myself and i’m
    not that hot, human yes, the great pretender certainly,
    or, i may believe all my bullshit in which case i am more
    of an idiot than s/he? the real test is can s/he make me
    laugh, see through the product i so carefully craft as me, like the Fonz, to the person i don’t care to show
    while on live’s subway?

    • afarasati March 2, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

      yes, and I think Groucho Marx summed it up nicely: “I would not join any club that would have someone like me as a member.”

      Of course, we ultimately DO let people join our “club,” and we join theirs, but I guess the point is you have to earn it. Can’t be too eager to join, or accept membership, right at the beginning. Even the Fonz would lose his coolness if he got really clingy.

  3. tzopilotl March 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm #

    …excellent point. one has to have that, i give
    a f..k attitude, because, let’s face it, hot girls
    like bad boys who step on their image, and then they
    get to make a new mirror.

    • afarasati March 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

      “make a new mirror”

      agreed!

  4. Roberto November 2, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

    completely untrue. men are by far more clingy than women. it’s one of the most common mistake men make
    Also “Most women are ready to marry any guy they sleep with, and thus clinginess to them seems natural” is wrong too. I slept with many women and they normally don’t want to see me again.
    Probably you are a handsome guy and have a distorted version of life that it’s applicable to you only.
    Also I think it’s very dependent on which country you are talking about . in UK the truth is the one I say. What you told here is a bit more true to italy for instance.

    • afarasati November 2, 2011 at 10:30 pm #

      Perhaps you are right. I have observed a lot of clinginess in American women, but perhaps it is different in Europe.

      “I slept with many women and they normally don’t want to see me again.”

      Hmm. #maybeyourdoingitwrong

      • Christina Cho August 5, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

        your Hashtag comment…was TOTALLY what I thought…awesome.

        Also, I noticed that “nice guys” and “nice girls” tend to be clingy. My theory is this: they mistake clinginess for sincerity. They think if they put their hearts on their sleeves, someone “worthy” will appreciate it and love them for it. As much as my experience has taught me that games are good, and even necessary in the early stages of dating, I think there is something beautiful about those people who are still willing to be “losers” in hopes to find their other half. Not all of us can be realists (or as my friends like to say, negative nancy’s)…or the world would be MORE of a dog-eat-dog world.

  5. marco khalifa January 12, 2012 at 3:41 am #

    Oh geese… Both genders do not find such a thing like clingy to be very attractive. In fact, male/females find it quite pathetic and a pretty big turn off because you give the opposite sex the impression that maybe your a loser and very lonely and why your so desprate is because you “like” what situation your in and dont want to lose it. My opinion personally im 16 and know about all of these things. Maybe my common sense is at the top of the list, Or i just naturally understand. Anyways just relax keep yourself in control and what people mean by this is be comfortable with the situation of being in the presence of a woman and remind her your the “man of the relationship” without verbaly saying it

    • steve July 29, 2013 at 10:57 am #

      grow up

    • russ August 14, 2014 at 8:39 pm #

      youre 16. and your reply shows you really aren’t ‘on the top of the list’ or ‘naturally understand’. Summarizing and adding an opinion, that is pretty hollow actually, isn’t understanding. You’ll get there one day. Be more willing to take in information rather than just thinking you know it all. you’ll get farther in life.

    • Anonymous August 16, 2014 at 12:08 am #

      You’re.

  6. marco khalifa January 12, 2012 at 3:44 am #

    And instead of being sooo fucking nerdy and on this bull crap go out there and personally experience all this yourself because that is where you are going to get the best information, is from yourself…. be a man

  7. Anonymous February 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    Women have more to lose once they are married.. they’re the ones who are stuck having to carry and give birth to the babies and they usually have to cook and clean.. so women, make sure you choose the right husband.

  8. ASHLEEY June 19, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    Wow cnt believe I been this stupidly in love

  9. Pupeyes June 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    Reblogged this on Ex Boyfriend Retrieval.

  10. tiffany September 7, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    So r u saying that when men are being “clingy” they r only putting on an act and trying to see if the women can stick through all of it. Basically its like a test? Im talking about the guys that meet u once and after long convos on the phone (realizing how layed back nd careless the girl is) they are alreadyyyyy acting clingy nd wanting u to meet their family already. Is this an act? The less women care the more men seem to care.

    • afarasati September 8, 2012 at 9:42 pm #

      no, I don’t think it’s an act. When people are clingy, they actually just like you THAT much. If a guy wants you to meet his family, he is in love with you, or trying to prove to his parents he is not gay :)

  11. phil white December 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    Ive been guilty of being clingy to my beautiful ex girlfriend. It is christmas and wefirst started talking she asked to go see the hobbit with me.

  12. Niki February 12, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

    I am far too clingy with my boyfriends. but I have also caught my boyfriend in about 4or5 lies about where he was going and what he was doing . so that makes me miss trust him just a little bit and wonder what he’s doing when he’s not with me.

    • ashley June 20, 2013 at 6:32 am #

      its bc he feels smothered give him space and tine apart and dare not to txt or call him during his timeout. if you dnt trust him then yoitll never work. it could be a control issur if you keep on.

  13. ashley June 20, 2013 at 6:29 am #

    okay..so im a girl and have this clingy issue with my guy friend. I am totally over it. especially when im the type of girl who usually only kicks it with the dudes anyways. and trust me i know guys! my bf really thinks this shit is magic. i mean come on.. if you like someone give them space or else they get no oxygen and the love dies! i try to tell him to lay off and its like i spoke and no words came out! obviously he is desperate and im the sane one. Lord but how do you get rid of people like that..bc they will never leave you alone (god knows they wnt change). sad thing is..they probably wouldnt be so bad of people if theyd just lay off!

  14. Benjammmin August 5, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    in most cultures the woman supplies the dowry but the marriage is completely on the guy e.g. “will you marry me?”

  15. shalini tripathi September 20, 2013 at 8:42 am #

    In any case u have a brilliant sense of humour

  16. kalpesh November 3, 2013 at 2:42 am #

    I absolutely agree and truly believe the heart of your comment. im 27 and only crush i ever had was celeb crush and i knew its just puberty thing and invested myself in academics and then busness. I am well aware of psycological theories. yes its too early to stick like gum from third date, it’s definately better to show your devotion in manner you feel like. i will well got dumped for showing my vunerable self than getting short term extention by playing with notmyself-armer. its matter of choice that you are into love relationsheep or into accolade of mighty winner of mate. Fyi happily in relation with my partner from 13 years. Same age. Same iq.

  17. jim July 24, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

    So apparently I am guilty of this. It’s in my nature to want to be with someone I care about as much as possible. At the same time I do realize that I do this and the last relationship I was in I made it a point to ask if she needed space. To which she replied no on multiple occasions. And yet I still got dumped, complete with the “it’s not you, it’s me talk” Fml.

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