Why Smart Guys Date Dumb Girls

17 Feb

Dear Blunt Monkey,

I have a friend who is super smart, classy, and sophisticated. She was recently dating a guy who just stopped calling her. I’ve seen on his Facebook page the girl he’s seeing now…she’s total white trash. I just don’t get it! – Kate, Los Angeles

Short answer: Smart guys will generally date the most physically attractive girl available to them. Other attributes are secondary. By the way, girls do basically the same thing. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Long Answer: I’ve had three separate girl friends this week tell me a different version of this same story. They have a friend who, out of nowhere, was dumped by her boyfriend. The consensus seems to be that all three girls were dumped because they are too intelligent; men simply can’t handle a woman who is smarter than them, and they definitely can’t handle a woman who makes more money than them.

I suppose this is a comforting reality to live in post-dumping; we all need to tell ourselves little lies to cope in sad times. So don’t keep reading if you are emotionally fragile. Go ahead, dry your tears. I’ll wait.

Ready? Okay. First, nobody gets “dumped out of nowhere.” If a guy breaks up with you after dating for a year, he probably started working up the courage to do it around the nine month mark. You’ve probably been bugging the shit out of him since the six month mark. There were probably some fights he intentionally sprinkled in towards the end to prepare you. He probably started getting really distant and not talking much. He probably got sick of having sex with you. You probably ignored all of it.

And when you DID finally get dumped, you had been living in denial that the relationship ended months ago, so you were forced to contrive a reason, any reason, that something this horrible could happen. Encouraged by friends hoping to comfort you with a rationale that the tragedy was not your fault, but his, you concoct a comforting myth: Men can’t date women that are smarter than them.

First, this presumes that you actually are smarter than him, which you may be, but you may also not be. I don’t know. But the failure here isn’t in assuming that smarts were a factor in the breakup. The failure is in thinking that a disdain of superior intellect is a one way street, men to women. That’s just not the case at all.

While it’s true that a man may prefer to be smarter or make more money than his significant other, it works the other way as well. I know a lot of smart, funny, outgoing girls who never date men of their intellectual caliber. Oh, women hide this fact. “I like the strong, silent type,” or “he’s really chill,” or “my boyfriend is really down to earth”…it’s all quaint slang for “My boyfriend is hot and I don’t let him talk a lot.” In fact, as of 2009, 33.5% of wives made more money than their husbands, and the percentage of women making more than their boyfriends is slightly higher. Whether or not this makes the marriage better or worse is irrelevant to me. The point is, these are relationships where both parties entered understanding one fact: At best, I know my wife likes to wear the pants, and at worst, I might have to wear the skirt.

Personally, I think it’s great. What a different world we’d live in if women had enjoyed equal career opportunities with men for the past few thousand years. Think of the progress we’ve sacrificed by asking women to choose between housewife, seamstress, or prostitute. And God knows why it’s taking women so long to level the playing field. News flash, ladies: the physical superiority that made men hunters and women gatherers is now worthless. Success in the workplace has nothing to do with physical strength. I know society forces this gender inequality on us, but for Christ’s sake, women make up over half the population of said society. Someone should start some sort of “woman’s movement.” I’m gonna look into that.

What I think is funny is that we mistakingly classify this “I can’t date someone smarter than me” thing in gender terms. The truth is that smart, opinionated people of both genders seem averse to dating intellectual equals. I believe there’s a reason for it. It has been said for centuries that “opposites attract,” and we all know many couples that prove the point. But people of opposite dispositions pairing up is not an accident. In evolutionary terms, this is an effective way to diversify your gene pool. Diversifying the gene pool is important; if we inbreed, we open ourselves up to radically higher rates of bad genetic mutations and poorer resistance to disease. Conversely, if you can bang someone with very little genetic similarity to you, you invite a whole ocean of new genetic benefits to confer on your offspring. This is why it’s fun to get laid in foreign countries with strangers.

So basically, we seek those different from us because it brings something new to the genetic table. Intelligence in partners is the same. If I’m smart, I already bring smarts to the table. God knows I don’t need another set of opinions clogging up my already overloaded brain. No, what I need is some ‘sexy’ in my gene pool. And as it turns out, sexy needs some smarts. Now our kids will be both sexy AND smart. In relationships, we all tend to be the ‘yin’ to someone else’s ‘yang.’ Two yins don’t win. Two yangs don’t bang.

So does that mean that smart people never marry other smart people? Of course not! Smart, ugly people marry other smart, ugly people all the time, because neither can get a sexy partner. But sexy usually wins even in this case; a smart female nerd, given the choice between an ugly, really smart guy or a sorta smart, sorta attractive guy will still opt for the sorta smart guy more often than not. Additionally, there are those lucky people out there who are both smart AND sexy, and if you find one of them, you don’t have to choose which genetic benefit you want because you’re getting both. No guy is going to dump a girl who is incredibly sexy just because she’s also smart. Natalie Portman went to Harvard. You know any guys who wouldn’t date her? I didn’t think so. And if your friend says “What about me? I’m smart AND sexy,” I guess I’d politely suggest she might be the one a little more than the other. Like most of us, she’s probably somewhere in between gorgeous and hideous. When do you know when you’ve found the appropriate physical and intellectual match? When he doesn’t dump you and you don’t dump him.

And while this might come as troubling news, the brainiacs of the world can at least take solace in knowing they are not alone. Trust me. If having a big brain was the aphrodisiac women claim it was, I’d spend less time writing this stupid nerd blog and more time boning Charlize Theron. The simple truth is we’re all suckers for a pretty face. It’s only when we get to choose between a few equally pretty faces that we have the luxury of factoring intelligence, sense of humor, and access to Lakers tickets into the equation. The primary purpose of a car is that it has an engine. Once we know it can take us where we want to go, we can worry about vanity plates and shiny rims.

So tell your friend not to worry. We all reject, and we all get rejected. She got dumped by one guy, just like she probably rejects 90% of guys who approach her in a bar or message her on eHarmony. In fact, women are ten times worse than men about discriminating based on looks. “Ew! That guy is so white trash! 5’6″? Yuck! $25,000 a year? Keep walking, loser!” Meanwhile, men are more than happy to date short, jobless, trashy women.

If they’re hot.

Next post: How attractive are you…really?

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17 Responses to “Why Smart Guys Date Dumb Girls”

  1. Matt Downing February 17, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    This article excludes the notion, and the very important one at that, that Adam Farasati and I are banging.

    Continue on…

  2. Bernie Bernbaum February 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm #

    Why? You’re both smart, mediocre looking dorks. Except for the lack of vagina, it sounds like a perfect match.

  3. Jana February 20, 2011 at 5:52 am #

    Your insights are nothing short of brilliant. You also just reminded me how happy I am not to be dating anymore. Thank you.

  4. andrew1971 June 13, 2012 at 10:57 pm #

    Hi. I needed to read this. Thank you. I am dating a very sexy, very beautiful girl who isn’t very intelligent and it’s starting to drive me a little insane — so insane that I had to google ‘smart guys dumb girls’ because dumping her just seems out of the question: she’s way too cute and extremely sweet and loving. The glitch is that I can’t really hang out with her and any (at minimum) semi-intellectual couples for the constant embarrassment I experience of the incoherent comments she makes. When we’re alone it’s fine because she’s a captive audience and I can definitely entertain myself with endless observations of our shared experiences; she’ll engage with me just enough and act amused just enough to keep the conversations flowing. If only I can find a website or a meet up.com group for smart guy/dumb girl pairings. Where do I find that?? I am definitely at the edge, but I recognize the inherent problems, i.e. shunning at the thought of being with a girl who is too opinionated or bossy or one that I am simply not attracted to. Frustrating.

    • afarasati June 14, 2012 at 3:36 am #

      ha! glad this post helped, Andrew. Maybe she’ll get smarter after months and years of hanging out with you, and then you’ll have the whole package. Rest assured you are not the first person to google ‘smart guys dumb girls’…I see the search terms people use to find these posts, and that’s a common one! Hopefully you can get your intellectual nourishment elsewhere…much easier than getting sex with a hot babe elsewhere. Best of luck to you!

  5. Anonymous October 18, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    this all makes me want to barf. and become a nun.

  6. Lucas December 11, 2012 at 4:56 am #

    At what point did evolutionary biology become the umbrella for explaining every single possible interaction between two opposing sexes?

    • Adam December 11, 2012 at 7:37 am #

      well, I suppose you could make an argument that every interpersonal interaction that we have as humans is determined by our brains, which of course are shaped by evolution, so yeah, one could say that every possible interaction can be examined through the lens of evolutionary biology (and a number of other scientific disciplines). In the same way that, if you believe in an all-powerful creator God, that ultimately everything we do is pre-determined by him, since he is timeless and infinite and all-knowing, and thus knew everything we would ever do when he created us.

      But I actually don’t believe either of those things, or at least, I don’t believe we will ever have enough knowledge to FULLY explain 100% of human interaction by any single, unifying set of rules. If I sometimes make it seem like one set of rules, like evolutionary biology, is capable of doing that, it’s probably just because I write a blog on that subject and enjoy applying said discipline to many situations. If you google search the title of this post, I’m sure you will find a few thousand posts on the subject, most of which don’t cite evolutionary psychology at all, so feel free to enjoy those if you want, but over here we’ll keep using the evolutionary psychology umbrella cause that’s what the blog is about.

  7. Anonymous February 5, 2013 at 6:40 am #

    men date stupid girls to make other people think that their smart, where else they arent.The thing is they dont want people to look at them as dumb but clever bcoz their gf’s stupid

  8. flychix. February 5, 2013 at 6:43 am #

    I think its because boys are too dumb to stay at a clever girls level…

  9. jack113@yahoo.com March 30, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

    Women, it’s not that you’re too smart for us. You’re not slutty enough. Period.

  10. ughmyheadhurts November 6, 2014 at 5:34 am #

    Ugh… girls smart Boys dumb. OK I got it.
    Please stop to think. I mean really think. Do you believe your partner as inferior.why did you pick them. Accountability starts with yourself. Try to find a true partner an equal. Stop blaming poor life decisions on others.

  11. Miche March 6, 2015 at 11:10 am #

    Again, this blog post is full of contradictions. You need to structure your arguments better.

  12. Bugga outs October 28, 2015 at 9:14 pm #

    Dude. Author dude. Your format is retarded. What the fuck is this, a fucking Jane Austin chapter? A goddamned JAMA abstract? From the smartest girl with which you’ll ever have something that can remotely be called communication, your overall format sucks big, crusged, desert-worn donkey balls. Ever hear of bulleted numbers? Look at the congent, man! The format is.uncalled for!

  13. Random November 17, 2015 at 9:01 am #

    i consider myself to be attractive, smart and funny. I realize that initially the amount of attention I get from guys correlates to my physical appearance, but damn, are you telling me, that out of all of them, I would rather date a dumb douche who is more attractive than me, over a less attractive male who is a joy to listen to?
    umm.. I dont think so dear..
    A dumbass, regardless of his appearance eventually gets annoying to be around. Even if he is more attractive. Also, dont you think intelligent and confident men find thier trophy wives pretty tedious after their done fucking them? .you are speaking as though all relationships are battles for dominance and one way streets in terms of looks and intelligence. What makes a relationship last is not the amount of looks or brains someone can compensate for yours but the ability of both parties to support each other and promote growth. I see your point from an evolutionary perspective, but you make it seem as though humans are on a cave man intellect level incapable of maturity. i cant imagine an intelligent and attractive women settling for a carpet she can walk on unless she has some serious superiority/inferiority complex and insecurity issues. intelligent women want intelligent men of good character and nothing less. Male appearance matters little for long term. This post literarly sums up human mating relations as some oversimplified stereotypes. also your contradicting yourself here. first you say that men dont want to date women smarter than them, but dumb attractive males and intelligent females have the most satisfactory marriages? what if a girl is more attractive and more intelligent than the guy? what then? Everybody is different and every situation is different.
    You cant assume that guy broke up solely because of intelligence without knowing and considering other factors.

  14. Agen Ibcbet March 22, 2016 at 10:23 pm #

    I truly enjoy looking through on this website, it has good blog posts. “Beware lest in your anxiety to avoid war you obtain a master.” by Demosthenes.

  15. Vera Shu June 28, 2016 at 8:31 am #

    I were one regard myself as a smart girl, however, now I’m a wife.
    I found out that to have a great relationship doesn’t count on “smart” but on “wise”.
    When we got different opinions, “the smart me” would think my husband is wrong, but “the wise me” would remain calm and listen to him, support him tenderly. Amazingly, when I begin not to argue with him, he becomes more willing to listen to me then.

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