How To Marry Someone Hotter Than You

24 Feb

After my last post, “You’re not all 8’s,” I began to feel a little bad about knocking everyone down a peg (including myself). While it’s true that in general, if I’m a “7,” I am destined to marry another “7,” there are always exceptions. Some people marry down a notch or two. Which of course means that an equal amount of people are marrying up. Why does this happen? And more importantly…how can I get in on the action?

When I was in college, I took an evolutionary psychology class from a professor that had come up with a fascinating interactive lesson. Everyone in the class of about 30 students, half male, half female, was assigned an index card with a number, 1 through 10. There were equal amounts of each number for both genders…one girl and guy were 10’s, a couple each were 9’s, and so on. But we couldn’t see our own number…you had to hold it against your forehead, so that everyone could see it except you.

The professor then stated that we had five minutes to try and pair up with someone of the opposite sex. The goal was to find a mate with the highest number possible.

Obviously, I immediately set about looking for a 10, who I found quickly, and who was already entertaining a small group of suitors. I stuck my head in. “How bout me? Interested?” I asked. She looked at my number, made the “icky face,” and shook her head.

I knew my number was low. But how low? I found an 8, who passed on me quickly. Then a 7. No takers. A female 3 walked up to me: “Hi!!! Wanna be my mate?” This time, it was I who made the icky face. I shooed her off.

As the deadline drew near, I finally just realized I needed to take whatever I could get. I turned and found myself face-to-face with a 5. “Hey!” she said with a smile. “Hey!” I said back. We were in love.

When time ran out, everyone looked at their own number. Mine was a five, just like the partner I ended up with. In fact, almost everyone had matched up either exactly or one number off. It was an invaluable lesson on the free market of human mating…competition and selection are forces that move quickly and accurately.

Except in one case. Remember that 10 who blew me off? Turns out she blew everybody off. She figured out real quick that people were clamoring for her attention, so she must have a high number, and waited for another 10. Problem was the male 10 hooked up pretty quick with a female 9. You know what partner the female 10 ended up with? A 2!

To further highlight the mismatch, the female 10 was, in reality, a tall, gorgeous blond girl who every guy in the class drooled over, and the 2 she ended up with was the shyest, nerdiest Korean kid you ever saw. I swear, when they both stood up in front of the class, the guy was beaming from ear to ear. I could see it had been the greatest moment of his life. How did it happen?

One word: Timing. No matter how hot a person is, we are all slaves to Mother Nature’s deadlines.

If we were all immortal, our romances would probably be a series of monogamous relationships, whereby we found the best available mate we could at the moment, then jumped ship as soon as we could find a better one. This would continue, endlessly, until all 7 billion people on earth had dated each other, and based on their experiences were able to choose which human was the absolute best they could find, who also wanted them.

But we don’t live forever. More importantly, we don’t reproduce forever. A women’s reproductive era starts around age 13 and ends in her mid forties. So if a woman, even a perfect 10, wants to wait for “Mr. Right,” she does so at an increasingly high risk the longer she waits.

Men are a little different. They gain the ability to reproduce around 13 as well, but they can keep firing off healthy sperm well into their fifties and sixties. The quality of the seed goes down from there, but if the guy is hot enough, there will still be takers: Rod Stewart just fathered his eighth child at age 66. (Could you say no to that handsome old devil’s baby batter? I couldn’t!)

So what does this all mean? As men and women approach their respective fertility deadlines, they get a lot more relaxed about standards, just like the people in my college classroom. Ask the hottest girl in high school to marry you, and you won’t have much luck. If she’s still single at the ten year reunion…bro, try again! It’s not nearly the long shot it was a decade earlier.

And ladies, this goes double for you. A man can keep firing off live rounds till his pubes turn gray, but that doesn’t mean he wants to. I often hear guys say things like: “I want to be a young enough Dad to play basketball with my kids when they’re in high school.” This is their evolutionary programming kicking in, reminding them that men, like women, need to get on with the baby-making before they die, and leave enough time after to actually raise the kids and ensure they survive to reproductive age themselves. With this in mind, I now give you women the single most important piece of dating advice you will ever receive:

DATE GUYS WHO ARE 30. There is nothing more crucial to a woman’s ability to marry her boyfriend than the age of the boyfriend himself. And the ideal age is 30. A mixture of things–his own biological clock, his elevated station in life and his peaking ability to get a hot mate, and maybe just boredom at having banged so many women already in his 20’s–conspire to make a man ready to settle down as he enters his fourth decade on earth. It’s literally like a switch gets turned on, and his romantic pursuits do a complete 180. It’s so obvious, in fact, that I find myself confused as to why women even bother dating guys who are 28 or younger. It’s a suckers bet. Unless you’ve got the patience, and ability, to hang on to him until he reaches 30. Many a frustrated woman has dumped a 29 year old man after five years without a proposal, only to be shocked and horrified to find out he became engaged to another women the very next year. How can this happen? Timing!

And so it follows that an understanding of timing can not only help you secure a mate, but possibly a hotter one than you would normally aspire to. For men, this means getting to hot women early. Remember, they’ve been dreaming of finding a husband since grade school. Their biological clock goes “tick, tick” starting at age 13, but that ticking becomes a firehouse siren by 23. Get to a girl early and lock her down. Take Brian Austin Green for example: I’m not saying the ex-Beverly Hills 90210 star isn’t attractive, but the guy shot the moon when he landed Transformers bombshell Megan Fox. He did it by getting to her young…they started dating when she was 18 and he was 31, long before she realized how high the number on her forehead was, and how low Mr. Green’s would become. Just like the show that made him famous, his celebrity started with a 9 but will end with a 0. Yet it doesn’t matter…thanks to his excellent timing, he will die happy.

Ladies, do just the opposite. Patience is key. I guess you can think of romance as a big, epic game of musical chairs. The men are just walking around in circles like idiots in their 20’s, not realizing how pointless the endeavor is until the music stops. And when it does stop, whatever chair they’re next to becomes the greatest chair in the world. In other words: be next to a hot guy when the music stops. There’s a good chance he’ll sit on you.

You may also enjoy: Why Women Date Assholes

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49 Responses to “How To Marry Someone Hotter Than You”

  1. Anonymous November 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    I think you will make a lot of money if you open a dating agency 🙂

    • afarasati November 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

      i should start a ‘personals’ section on the blog. good idea…!

  2. Kane December 15, 2012 at 3:10 am #

    i have NOT been wanting to get married since childhood. I hardly want the hassle now.

  3. Anonymous July 16, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

    can you get any more sexist?! GEEZ.

  4. Boby John July 18, 2013 at 11:35 am #

    What you have described is quite interesting. The underlying notion is that women peak at in their mid to late teens and then experience the agonising loss of youth and purity throughout their 20s. This can turn into a vicious cycle as makeup tends to become the quick fix at the expense of accelerating skin ageing.

    It is in fact men, who benefit throughout their 20s, with naturally tougher skin they age better. And the sad fact that money does play some role in security and attractiveness for a woman, they tend to become better suitors as their career progresses.

    Whilst one appreciates, the other depreciates, unfair but a reality. This is why men in the right position will always marry younger, and woman will always get more desperate as the years go by.

    • afarasati July 18, 2013 at 11:38 am #

      good observations Boby John! I agree.

  5. Anonymous July 18, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    A good article, but sadly tainted with racism.

    “Shyest, nerdiest Korean kid”…Notice how his race was immediately and thoughtlessly put together with negative descriptions. If he had been a white, black or latino kid, do you think it would have been mentioned?

    Come on. Its 2013. Give the Yellow Peril a rest. Thanks.

    • afarasati July 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

      thanks for stopping by! I think racist is a bit of a stretch, but I agree that i am frequently un-politically correct about race, gender, social issues, etc. i try to offend everyone equally whenever i can…

      • LeF July 21, 2013 at 5:55 am #

        This is not politically incorrect. It is simply a form of racism that you were unaware of.

        Now that it has been raised to your consciousness, perhaps you will be a little more mindful in future.

      • afarasati July 21, 2013 at 8:12 am #

        Hi again LeF. I see your point. You are saying that all forms of stereotyping are by definition racism. However, I disagree. Perhaps you subscribe to the school of thought that all practices or beliefs that distinguish between races = racism. But if you’re going to use “racist” as a pejorative word, then that definition is too loose. I mean, there ARE major…and humorous!… differences between people of different ethnic backgrounds here in the US, where I write. For instance, you are essentially angry because I invoked a stereotype that Koreans are nerdy. The fact is that I went to a pretty good university (UCLA), and when I was there the school was about 45% asian. At the time I think Asians comprised 4.5% of the population. In other words, Asians were overepresented by about a factor of 10. There’s a lot of reasons for this, but without getting into it let’s just all agree that disproportionately high numbers of Asians DO come from incredibly studious families, work hard, get good grades, and go to UCLA, and the facts more than bear this out. Now, is what i just said racist? Was I racist toward Asian Americans by describing how they are good students? Was I racist against white students by indirectly implying they were less competitive than their Asian counterparts and are underrepresented at good schools? Because the fact is it is true. If we can’t say things that are true just because they imply differences between people, then we’re fucked.

        BTW, I’m not white. My mom is white and my dad is from Iran. I sometimes get angry at depictions of middle easterners in TV and film as always being terrorists. That’s a stereotype that sometimes irks me, the way my nerdy Korean seems to have irked you. However I never forget that there’s a perfectly good reason why people associate middle easterners with terrorism…they are overepresented as terrorists! And when I see a movie, like The Hurt Locker, where the bad guys are middle eastern, I sometimes say “I wish the filmmakers had handled this in a more balanced way” or “I wish there were more positive depictions of middle easterners in film and TV.” But I never say “The filmmakers are racist.” They aren’t. As long as there’s wars and terrorism in the middle east, lazy people are going to make movies about it. As long as Koreans are nerdy at UCLA, I’m going to make jokes about it. I’ll stop doing it when it’s not true anymore and thus not funny. BTW, I make fun of my Asian friends to their face on a daily basis, and they make fun of my brown ass. Until the day when equal amounts of all races are nerds and terrorists, humor helps us laugh at the differences without hating each other. it allows us to see someone as “different” without seeing them as “inferior.” Lighten up and get in on the fun…ethnic humor is one of the few things all races enjoy equally!

      • Anonymous July 23, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

        Great job standing up to fairly inane and boring vapid holier-than-thou “cultural sensitivity” butthurt with an articulate, well-reasoned, and ultimately persuasive argument. I have always been one to, in perhaps more abrasive language, tell political correctness to go fuck itself. As you rightly observe:

        “If we can’t say things that are true just because they imply differences between people, then we’re fucked.”

        This is a powerful and important argument. One that comes up in a lot of arenas (science/religion, “leadership from your gut”/analytics driven decision making, etc). It’s the difference between rational, critical thinking, and those who need to whitewash everything that “doesn’t make someone else feel good.”

        Truth isn’t bound by rules of “nice” or “sweet”, nor should it be “delicately danced around” because someone might get pissed off. That leads to group think. Observational humor that packs a little bite encourages people to self-analyze and learn to not take themselves too seriously. That is an incredibly important life lesson. Especially for the “sensitive people” who feel that every joke is a personal attack. These are the people who need to be told, “grow up, kid. There’s much worse things going on in the world than your little bruised ego” and they need to get over their self-absorption.

      • afarasati July 23, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

        thanks anonymous person who agrees with me! You’re right, and I totally agree that groupthink is pervasive and annoying on matters of ethnicity and political correctness. When I have a choice, I always lean towards the opinion that challenges the status quo, just to keep myself and others on our feet. Thanks for reading!

    • Anonymous July 20, 2013 at 10:46 pm #

      C’mon its just a description. you are losing the point of the post here.

      • LeF July 21, 2013 at 5:57 am #

        Trust me. I got the post. In fact, I agreed with it.

        But the racism in there just taints the whole thing.

      • Anonymous August 5, 2013 at 5:28 am #

        It could’ve been a nerdy white kid, or black kid. lol. But there is no relevence between Asians and good grades or nerds, simply because there is a larger than usual spread of high achieving Asians in America does not make Asians better students. In Asia, there are just as many % of low scoring Asians just like in the US of any other ethnicity. FYI, azn college dropout here. Not to mention, this is also reflected on Earths population. Shitload of Asians.

    • Anonymous July 23, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

      I had to think if I really wanted to get involved in this. Here’s my two cents:

      Sorry, I am part of the Korean community and I didn’t find his description at all racist or offensive. I also want to clarify that I do not speak for the Korean/Korean-American/whatever community and that certain individuals may find it offensive or distasteful. However, you (even if you’re also Korean) do not represent me and should not speak for me by suggesting that the author’s biases makes this offensive to the communities to which I belong.

      I do understand the notion that we all write with some degree of racism when we draw attention to ethnic background unnecessarily (I remember I had a writing instructor in my undergraduate years who made it her objective to make us cognizant of this every time we turned in a paper).

      That being said, I think your notion of drawing more attention to it with the explicit linkage of “negative words” with “Korean” was more offensive as I didn’t find shy or nerdy to be negative until you put those labels on them. Beforehand I merely viewed them as adjectives to describe this individual’s unlikeliness of actually approaching the 10 girl and sustaining her attention. Therefore, their matching was unlikely seeing as he described the girl who was a 10 as a beautiful blond who had suitors all over herself. While it is arguable that “nerdy” wasn’t really necessary and was added for exaggerating the unlikeliness, I still didn’t mind it much as even though I shared his ethnic background I understood he didn’t represent me but rather an archetype for the story telling and that the author’s biases really are insignificant to me to read an enjoy the piece.

      I can understand your motives, and I don’t think you’re a bad person for them nor do I think your argument is a bad one. I merely don’t agree with its execution. To play the race card over something I opine to be so trivial makes it lose its focus on issues that matter. I don’t get the sense that this author is a racist and even if they were, I would not care. The author’s opinions are their own and this story was worth reading regardless of personal prejudices. I thank you for your efforts, but they certainly aren’t needed, at least not on my behalf.

      • afarasati July 23, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

        well put my anonymous korean friend!

    • Ryan August 1, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

      I agree, you are reinforcing the stereotype that Asian males are not attractive. You listed him being Korean along with other negative characteristics.

  6. Kit July 22, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

    Where I come from, all them asians are lazy asses. It’s the studious white dudes that fit that stereotype. And then the occasional smart black dude that totally blows my mind away at how smart he is. I would know. I’m asian. I found it a weird offset myself because I was able to relate to everything that was said in the post, minus that one condescending detail. Sure it’s true for you, but you’re limiting that truth to whichever location that it holds true for. Everyone else in every other part of the world couldn’t disagree more. In short, if you want to please everyone and make everyone laugh, don’t single anybody out.

    • afarasati July 22, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

      I am an American! I enjoy limiting the truth!

  7. Truth July 23, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    I think you are off a bit on guys should be trying to lock down right away. Actually girls should be trying to lock down right away.

    A guy that owns a dating agency explained this to me 6 years ago.(BTW I had no clue how this worked until he explained it)

    He asked me “When do you think is the best time for you to pick up chics/ meet your wife?”

    At the time I was 22, I said “Right now! I’m in great shape, good looking and am only getting older.”

    He then went on to explain to me that the hardest people to get dates for are older women and young men.

    The reason is simply supply and demand and what each party is wanting. Example: When a 22 YO guy goes out who is he looking for? A hot gal 21-26 (Ball park of a fertile chic)

    When a 28 YO guy goes out who is he looking for? A hot gal 22-27

    When a 34 YO guy goes out who is he looking for? A hot gal 23-28

    As the girl hits 30, her stock is going down, (Less of a crowd around her)

    So when a gal is looking for someone to date what is she looking for? Security. She is looking for a guy that can take care of her and the kids they are going to have.

    Can a 23 YO guy have the security even close to what a 34 YO guy has. No way.

    So if you were looking at this like assets, a guy is an appreciating asset while the girl is a depreciating asset. The girls best chance to land a 10 is when she has the group of people around her while she is 18-28.

    While males chances get better with time.

    If you are a female you are probably rejecting this info. But look at any dating site what is it full of. Young males and older women!

    So if you are a female, make sure you lock one down during your “10” period of your 20’s. If you are a guy you are like fine wine, only getting more attractive to the opposite sex as you age.

    • afarasati July 23, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

      good advice! Yeah I don’t think I said guys should get married right away. I said they should get to girls early in the girl’s life…that is, when the girl is young. But the guys can be 30 or older or whatever…”fine wine” as you say.

      but beware, all wine turns at some point. Don’t wait till you’re a wrinkle dick, homey!

      • whosays July 23, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

        This is true. The statute of limitations on guys is approx age 40. After that most women in their 20s will think of you as a dirty old man. Plus, most men decline drastically in looks after age 40 – the tummy protrudes, the hairline recedes, the combover makes it first appearance, etc, etc. After age 40, if you want a young wife to bear children with, your best bet is to find one abroad, where your stock as a wealthy male with a US passport is valued.

        • afarasati July 23, 2013 at 11:06 pm #

          nice, I’m 33! 7 years till i have to move to ukraine!

          • UA August 6, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

            Hey, that’s offensive to us, proud people of UA :))). Is the case though.

  8. whosays July 24, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    Actually, based on your story of the last-minute beauty-10 nerd-2 matchup, for any man who wants to marry “up” AND wants to have kids soon, you are best served by marrying a woman in her early-mid 30s. They’ve basically hit that last-minute mark and will take what they can get, so long as the guy will commit, wants kids soon, and has a decent job. Nerds – those are your marching orders!

    • afarasati July 24, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

      Very true! Nerds + Cougars = love

  9. Anonymous August 1, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    I’m utterly confused as to how so many people lost sight about the real issue in this post and went off about racism. But, great observation about people and life and relationships! Sincerely, Amused, and Thoroughly Unoffended Asian 😀 !!! Wait… ^-^*~~~

  10. Anonymous August 1, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

    It’s simple.
    Pussy plus time over income squared – Louis CK

  11. Anonymous August 5, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

    I love when people try to justify racist comments by explaining why they can’t possibly be one of those terrible racist people, going into detail about their diverse, tolerant background and emphasizing that their comments were made in good-natured humor.

    The fact is racism comes in all shapes and sizes, and not all instances of racism are equally obvious. There is no question that the reference to the Korean boy in this blog post was meant to emphasize a negative comparison against the “tall, gorgeous blond girl.” What’s puzzling to me is that you could take out the word “Korean” from that sentence and the point would still be made just as strongly. But the fact that the author felt the need to explicitly point out the boy’s ethnicity suggests to me that either he’s internalized some negative stereotypes about Korean males or he’s exploiting these stereotypes in a misguided attempt to connect to his readers. Either way, it’s racism, pure and simple.

    And let’s be clear here. Just because you find a racist comment funny, that doesn’t make it any less racist. That line of argument is merely an instance of an oppressor telling the oppressed why it’s wrong for them to feel offended by their arrangement.

    • Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 1:53 am #

      My thoughts exactly! Sigh, my friends will say slightly racist things once in a while…I know they aren’t the KKK and I let it slide, but it disappoints me that they’re ignorant sometimes. They probably think I’m ok with it but I’m just tired of protesting (all the time). Silence doesn’t equal agreement.

      • Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 1:55 am #

        Other than that, I enjoyed the article!

    • Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

      A perfect reply here. Let’s push it up so that afarasati can finally “get it”.

    • Anonymous October 15, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

      The author has implies that blondes are more attractive…. There are definitely some prejudice throughout the article.

  12. Jonathan C Dickinson (@jcdickinson) August 6, 2013 at 1:26 am #

    The situation can get oddly inverted in places. In South Africa I would say roughly 80% of the men that I know, who are my age (27, but I started seeing at consensus at ~25) are looking for a “settle-down” relationship – but 95% of the woman are going through their “late 20’s romp”. While I am a solid 10 on the nerd scale most of said men that I know are not (so it really has little to do with that demographic). Ironically it’s the *men* doing the holding on from 28 through 30.

    So in all honesty it comes down to both timing and *location*: you have to know what the dating climate is around you. Another good example is countries where arranged marriages are still practiced, if a man wants to date higher (and has rich parents) he can just negotiate with his parents. If anyone else wants to date higher they should probably be running around offering chances to elope – which has little to do with timing but a lot to do with location.

  13. Mak August 6, 2013 at 4:50 am #

    fuck this racist shit..this article is no racist..it contrasts and contrasts for humor..no offence given.

    Afarasti keep writing the way you are..loved ur writing style its natural and so are the races!

    • Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 5:07 am #

      You kind of contradict yourself with the “Girls, date a guy who’s in his 30s” advice, because as you point out, that didn’t exactly work well for Megan Fox.

  14. UA August 6, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Another point is that a man marrying is at higher risk than a woman. Any moment half of your stuff might be gone (a bit of exaggeration and could be your fault but still). Men are still seen as providers despite alleged “equality” so they are expected to have more of that “stuff” to get married. Show me ten rich women married after ten hot poor guys if you want to argue. Also it would’ve been much fairer if you had to support a child directly rather than paying to ex-spouse.

  15. Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

    it is racist, you dumb black person…lmao

  16. AbeautifulWorld August 11, 2013 at 1:54 am #

    This is an excellent article – Quite Amusing.

    I like the engagement of the readers and wish to share a view.

    I was asked once during a forum on prejudiced behaviours, “we are all intelligent, some more sensitive that others, and able to interpret that when cracking a joke laced with racism / stereotypes, that it be taken at face-value and not to be sensitive about it. do you agree?”

    My response to this was “as a human being who makes decisions based on emotions, as we all are, what we feel, influences what we think, influences what we say and do. I appreciate that it may be simplistic and a sweeping statement.. but let’s say this were true.. what would it reflect upon a person who cracks a racist joke?”

    In response “It would not reflect well on him at all, but that’s an assumption that everyone is like that. We don’t know how everyone thinks and it may so happen that the person may not react that way”.

    “You’re right” I reply “and if you can’t tell how someone might feel about a joke laced with stereotypes, should you make it? – If you can think it, deep in your mind, you feel it. Change the way you think, this will alter the way you communicate / express your thoughts”.

    Control your mind.. do not let your mind control you.My two cents’ worth.

  17. Anonymous September 5, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    Just a note: You said “fourth” decade when you meant “third”.
    -Mathematics Major at the University of Texas. haha

    • afarasati September 5, 2013 at 9:09 am #

      0-9 years: 1st decade
      10-19 years : 2nd decade
      20-29 years: 3rd decade
      30-39: 4th decade

      30 = “entering your fourth decade.” Good luck with that math major…!

  18. sara July 7, 2015 at 10:19 pm #

    Ur just a sexist bigot whose main goal is to make women always follow a mans wish. You remind me alot of my dad (not in a good way)

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