My freshman year of college, one of my best friends was a girl named Lindsey. I remember sitting on her couch one night at her dorm after she found out her boyfriend had cheated on her. “Why can’t I find a nice guy for once?” she lamented.
Like so many men before me, I just sat there, consoling her, being a good friend. Oh, to have a time machine! I’d go back and say this: “Well, I’m a nice guy, and you seem pretty fucking content to pass me over even though I’m clearly in love with you. Maybe if you weren’t so busy banging every asshole football player or band member you met, you’d have time to give guys like me a chance.”
Oh, don’t worry. I’m (mostly) over it now. But I feel like the hot chick/asshole guy dynamic is explained away too often by the observation: “Oh, she must be really insecure.” Well what makes her insecure? And anyway, why would an asshole make her feel more secure than a sweet, loving guy?
You wanna know the truth? Assholes are assholes because they can afford to be. They’re that hot. Pick your poison: handsome, rich, funny, famous…any guy with one or more of these traits has license to be an asshole. Women aren’t just superficially attracted to any guy who is an asshole…or else Britney Spears would be dating the mean, drunken homeless guy down the street. No, women like cool assholes. And if a guy is cool enough to be desired by many women, he has no incentive to be particularly nice to any one woman.
Oh, but women are nice to assholes! Do you know how awesome it was for a woman to get with the alpha-male of the clan 50,000 years ago? It was a pretty sweet gig. While other men and women went hungry, the strongest male always got first dibs on food, and was able to provide resources and protection to any women in his care. And there was usually more than one woman. Just as we see in modern day apes, it is surmised that ancient hunter-gatherer groups often featured ‘harems’ of the best females for a single alpha male. And why not? One awesome man was enough to impregnate multiple women. And those women could be assured that the children they bore would have his genes, and that they, too, could one day grow up to be successful alpha males. Alpha males aren’t known for their kindness, or tenderness, or fidelity. But those traits weren’t as in-demand back then as food, protection, and good genes. I guess they still aren’t.
Understanding our harem-based ancestry explains a lot. Firstly, it explains why modern alpha male assholes like Charlie Sheen like to form their own “harems” of porn stars and strippers (or “goddesses,” if you will). Furthermore, I think this explains why so many women are content to be a man’s “mistress,” even when they know his primary relationship is with his wife. Back in the early stone age, it was a lot better to be the alpha male’s #2 or #3 babe than to be some loser’s #1. Would you rather have a ¼ of a delicious cheeseburger, or all of a shit sandwich? Assholes are cheeseburgers. Nerds are shit sandwiches.
So yes, women say they want “a nice guy.” Somebody who “has character” or “will be faithful.” Someone “intelligent” and “funny.” Somebody who “treats them right.” But under certain circumstances, they will alter their priorities. With this in mind, I have created a chart that explains my observations. It is based on years of clinical studies and you may need a degree in the applied sciences to understand it. But it explains the complex set of rules that determine who women are really attracted to:
|Women will date a guy who:||If he is:|
|Is a complete asshole||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
|Cheats on them||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
|Makes them cry||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
|Is boring||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
|Is stupid||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
|Is emotionally or physically abusive||Rich, Handsome, or Famous|
The problem is both men and women have failed to adapt to modern times. It turns out that women don’t need men to provide and protect as desperately as they did thousands of years ago. Tina Turner is letting Ike beat the shit out of her because she thinks she needs him, not realizing that it is she who is the hot, rich, famous one. She should have been beating him! Ditto Chris Brown and Rihanna. To me, that’s not just simple insecurity…that’s a hard-wired blindness to the evolving male-female reality, a result of our primitive brain struggling with the modern condition.
You, and you alone, are in charge of changing these evolutionary blind spots in your own life. Ladies, you wanna get screwed over by men who act like assholes? Fine by me. But every time you do, you help create the world you claim to despise. You reward the assholes and make the nice guys bitter.
And men, quit chuckling like it doesn’t happen to us too. Like women, we have over-reacted to an evolutionary urge to mate with women who can bear us attractive offspring. Ever heard a man say he wants a girl who’s “chill” or “down to earth”? Or how about “I’d love to meet a girl who’s funny” or “who loves sports” or “who can just hang out with the guys.” Uh huh. But what will men actually put up with?
|Men will date a girl who:||If she is:|
|Is dumb as a rock||Hot|
|Is devoid of ambition||Hot|
|Hates their friends||Hot|
|Has no sense of humor whatsoever||Hot|
|Cheats on them||Hot|
|Treats them like shit||Hot|
|Is completely, totally batshit crazy||Hot|
Now, are there hot girls out there with great personalities? Sure. Are there successful men who are really nice? Of course. Are they extremely rare, and often already married, probably to each other? You betcha. Are the rest of us going to have to make some compromises? Yeah, but that’s not so bad. Better to compromise and be happy than keep getting screwed over for the rest of our lives.
In summary, we all seem intellectually capable of knowing what we really want. But when you dangle the sexiest of the opposite sex in front of us, it all goes out the window. Our whininess about the difficulty of finding good partners is eclipsed only by our rampant hypocrisy.
So you have two choices, society: 1) Override your primitive instincts and actually date the kind of people you claim to desire, or 2) Kill all the rich, good looking people of the world so some other traits can rise to the top. I’m good either way.
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