Dear Society: Grow Some Pubes

28 Feb

shaving-pubic-hair-3The year was 1997, I was a freshman in college, and had on the previous night had the pleasure of hooking up with a girl from my dorm. Of course, the next morning there was the requisite grilling by my buddies and divulging of details, as young men are want to do. And inevitably the question arises: “Muff or shaved?”

“Totally shaved!” I exclaim, to hoots, hollers, and hi-fives in recognition of this rare and beautiful creature. Forgive our immaturity; I was 17, and could count the number of vaginas I had seen in my life on one hand.

Fifteen years later, and things have certainly changed. I’ve long since graduated, nobody hi-fives anymore, and to count the number of vaginas I’ve seen now, I’d need a Chinese kid and an abacus. But most importantly, a completely hairless vagina has become more common than Kings of Leon on the radio and, in my opinion, just as played out.

I didn’t know it back then, but the nineties marked a cultural transition in women’s body grooming in Western society. If you’re lucky enough to know a collector of Playboy Magazine back issues, take a stroll down mammary lane. Centerfolds in the 70s consistently had a healthy afro of love between their legs. In the 80s, it had been pared down somewhat, but the classic bikini line crew cut was still the norm, or for the truly adventurous, maybe the slimmer “landing strip,” or even my personal favorite, the Valentine’s Day pube heart. Then, in the mid 90s, something happened. Women started shedding their coats faster than a German Shepherd in a sauna. By the mid 2000s, bare was the norm. The last time I saw a real bush was when he left office in 2008.

I blame a lot of things. Porn is probably the biggest culprit. The shaved look has always been popular with the adult film stars, and when Internet pornography exploded in the last decade, a lot of women who would never buy an adult DVD were suddenly exposed to free smut on the interwebs. They must have seen all those sexy shaved vaginas and said “Wow, is this what other girls look like? Is this what guys find attractive?”

The sad answer was yes…guys did find this attractive. Most still do. In my discussions with fellow vagina aficionados (we have a magazine!), I’m hard pressed to find a man who prefers hair, any hair, to a cleanly waxed vajayjay. To even utter such a preference is to invite ridicule from your male friends, one step removed from wondering what penis tastes like.

Well let me come forward and be the first, but hopefully not the last, to take a stand and request with pride: LADIES…PLEASE GROW BACK YOUR PUBES.

Surely, this is not an unfair request. I can’t imagine women enjoy the tedium of shaving or the pain of waxing. Not to mention the time and cost of the grooming, or what I assume is the mild awkwardness of having a Vietnamese woman rip sheets of hair from your panocha. If you’re doing any of this for my aesthetic benefit, I’m begging you, please stop.

Pubic hair is there for a reason. Our primate ancestors were covered in hair, and with the exception of Robin Williams, modern man has shed most of it. But we keep hair in certain places: on our head, to keep us warm, and to reduce cranial trauma. And when we reach puberty, we grow hair under our arms and around our genitals.

Why? It is an indictor of sexual maturity. A hairless male or female has not reached puberty and is not of childbearing age. Back in the caveman days, if you were horny for sex and baby-making, which we all are in our late teens and beyond, then a hairless member of the opposite sex would not have offered you any reproductive benefit. Having “grass on the field” was an important indicator of maturity before IDs and driver licenses, or for that matter, before human beings could talk or have birthdays or remember how old they were. For the same reason a woman finds Colin Farrell’s scruffy beard attractive, we should, in theory, be aroused by the sight of a vaginal hair hat.

But there’s more. Human beings, like many animals, release pheromones to attract the opposite sex. As I’ve discussed in this blog before, humans can smell attractiveness in prospective partners. Where do we release pheromones from? You guessed it: Under our arms and our genitals. Pubic hair acts like a sort sponge, retaining these valuable scents in a way that hairless bodies don’t. Contrary to popular belief, pubes literally make you smell sexier.

How did we get away from this simple but effective piece of organic clothing granted to us by natural selection? Homo-Sapiens have been around for some 200,000 years, and until the last decade or so, pubic hair was the norm. I’d say that qualifies as a “short-term fad” in the grand scheme of evolution. So let’s get back to our roots, literally. Pubic hair is natural, keeps your private parts warm, and reminds me I’m not having pedophile sex with a ten year old, something I can’t say for your creepy, fully-waxed twazart. The only time I should see hairless genitals on my lover is if my wife has ovarian cancer, the chemo makes her hair fall out, and I’m cheering her up with a quick bang between hospital visits.

Men, this will be better for us as well. I’m going to let you in on a secret: about 10% of the times a woman wouldn’t have sex with you, it was because she was embarrassed because she hadn’t gotten around to pruning her hedges in a while. Ask your female friends. If we just let them grow the damn thing out, this won’t be a problem.

And I’ll tell you something else. I’m getting a little sick of trimming my own short-and-curlys. Despite all my anti-shaving rhetoric, I still do a pass with the clippers once every week or so to keep the foliage manicured. Clearly, I have bowed to peer-pressure, just like everyone else. Pubes, balls, sure. But do I trim my upper thighs as well to make the length uniform? Taint? I’m half Persian, for Christ’s sake! We’re a sexy, albeit hirsute people. If I have to spend hours grooming my genitals, I won’t have time to get drunk and show them to anybody!

Look, I’m not saying shaving isn’t without its benefits. As Larry David discovered in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, pubes can be an obstacle during oral sex. And the decline of pubes is also linked with the decline of pubic lice, which is certainly a good thing. On the other hand, shaved genitals has also been linked with increased occurrence of Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Bet your waxer didn’t tell you that!

So let’s give this obsessive body grooming a rest. Show some appreciation to those ancestors who passed down their successful genes, including the hairy ones. You don’t have to go full-on Amazonian right out of the gate. Honestly, I’d settle for a Hitler mustache at this point. But if your vagina has the same haircut as Dr. Evil, you’re doing something wrong.

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17 Responses to “Dear Society: Grow Some Pubes”

  1. Jeremy February 28, 2012 at 8:33 am #

    Wow, the Persian in you is really coming out!

  2. Jon February 28, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    Adam,

    I need to remember not to read these posts at work. It’s sometimes awkward to come up with a reason as to why I’m laughing so hard in my office.

  3. Jen Lyn February 28, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    You and my husband are like this (crossing fingers). Needless to say, it’s my job to make him happy…easiest job ever!!!

  4. Anonymous February 28, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    A very well written piece….no come over and shave my taint!

    • afarasati February 28, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

      I will come over and NOT shave your taint.

  5. Shay April 26, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    “a Chinese kid and an abacus” haha.
    I have classical tastes and found this refreshing.
    I’m really glad you posted this. Guys I work with, well really one clown in particular rants on women’s grooming habits claiming the last bush he saw was in college in like 1990. ALL his buddies wives have had electrolysis or wax. His wife waxes. I’m sure she’d be glad to know I know that. Furthermore, as you mentioned, the guys he knows of who enjoy diving are reviled as disgusting idiots. One guy enjoys the “friction” IDIOT! Well, dumbass, pubes are a dry lube. I try to play devil’s advocate the best I can, and I am sure I am on their radar. You’d think women outnumbering men 6:2 I’d get back up, but no. These otherwise cool women literally announce when a pube is spotted in the bathroom, like someone didn’t replace the TP. Whatever. Dry lube and fewer UTIs. Never made much of a difference in my sex life if I was trimmed, bald or bushed. 
    And the first time i heard completely bare suggested pre-pubescent, I got pretty creeped out. 
    And for men shaving, please don’t. That shit looks so fucking stupid. It makes it look bigger? No, no it doesn’t. There’s nothing like the sandpapery sensation of stuble rubbing against your most sensitive unmentionables to turn a gal on. Can’t imagine the roles reversed being too pleasant either. Unless you plan on wearing a Speedo (please don’t), don’t even bother trimming. They don’t call it a treasure trail for nothing. 😉

    • afarasati April 27, 2012 at 1:12 am #

      I never go stubble-short. Although once in college I straight up razored the whole thing clean; it looked like “Sloth” from Goonies 😦

  6. Chiav August 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Haaa! I’ve always told my hubby it was internet porn that made the hairless cats popular. I still remember sex when bush wasn’t abnormal. He, on the other hand, was still a virgin and probably saw most vag on the internet at that time. Unless I’m wearing a very skimpy bikini, let the bush love on.

    • afarasati August 13, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

      Amen sister! Spread the word to your fellow vagina-havers.

  7. Arwen August 21, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

    Nope. I’m not going to stop shaving. You know why? Because I hate pubic hair. It itches (it itched even before I started shaving it) and I don’t need to be itching my cooter in public places. I shouldn’t suffer discomfort because YOU think women look better with pubic hair. Guess what? Not all of us do it for men, just like when we wear makeup and dress a certain way, it’s because we like to, not because it pleases the less fair sex. Telling women to grow their bush out is just as stupid as telling them they should be smooth and bare. Their bodies, their reasons, their choices. YOU do not get to dictate that, and you CERTAINLY don’t speak for all men, either.

    • afarasati August 21, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

      I never said I speak for all men! In fact I think I specifically said I speak for very few of them. And your pubes will stop itching if you stop shaving them for a while. But I agree, do whatever the heck you like with your own cha cha, I was just stating my preference, not writing state laws or anything.

      • Arwen August 22, 2013 at 12:49 am #

        No, they won’t. Before I ever started shaving them, they were itchy as well. I distinctly remember feeling overwhelmingly relieved the first time I shaved it completely because it was the first time I could not shift awkwardly in a public place because things down there were uncomfortable. Point is, it’s not your decision what I do with my body or how I maintain it. That’s your preference? Cool. I’m not doing it for you, anyway.

        • hadron August 25, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

          chill out mannequin-crotch…

  8. Norman April 29, 2015 at 8:39 pm #

    I never much cared for the scents that pubic hairs absorb. Maybe I can’t smell it over the BO they also absorb. Are you also going to advocate women not shaving under their arms and not shaving their legs? Those are ancestor traits too. You know, if you have trouble telling if a woman is an adult because she doesn’t have pubic hair, maybe you should get your eyes examined. I say if a woman wants the clean look, good for her. If she wants a jungle down there, hey whatever floats your boat sister.

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