Tag Archives: sex

Say Goodbye To Cunnilingus

7 Aug

disappointed-woman-stuck-in-a-relationshipIt seems like there’s been an awful lot of talk about cunnilingus in the news lately, which is interesting in and of itself because the licking of female genitalia used to be on the short list of things you could not possibly read about in the news. Whatever gets tongues wagging, I suppose.

First there was actor Michael Douglas making headlines by revealing his throat cancer was caused by contracting HPV from oral sex. Then he made headlines again by clarifying it was not from his lovely, disease-free wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, whom we can assume was positively thrilled to be the focus of a national discussion on whether or not she has a tumor-flavored vajayjay.

And this month researchers at Oakland University in Michigan reveal that cunnilingus may be an evolutionary adaptation that helps men prevent infidelity in their female partners. Between cunnilingus studies and vaginal ultrasound debates and Anthony Weiner, I wonder how many grandmas have blushed to death this summer simply from browsing AOL News.

The study out of Michigan was eye-opening, if only for its obviousness. Sure, going down on your lady prevents infidelity…your head is right there cock-blocking the entryway. Other guys would have to go in through your ear! But even as a big defender of evolutionary psychology, this study didn’t pass the proverbial taste test. The researchers based their conclusions on the fact that men are more likely to go down on their partners if they think their mates might be at risk of cheating. How did they determine risk of cheating? They asked the men a series of questions about how attractive their partners were. Leave it to science geeks to assume that the only predictor of infidelity is how hot a girl is. And heaven forbid you should ask some actual women about why men go down on them.

As silly as the study was, it confirmed one simple point: Men are more likely to perform oral sex on women they find attractive. But here’s where this spells trouble for ladies.

We men enjoy performing oral sex for a few reasons. Our lips are one of the most sensitive parts of our body, so kissing stuff generally feels pleasurable. And like most mammals, humans emit pheromones from their nether regions. While we’re down there, we can literally smell a woman’s attractiveness. And of course there’s just the emotional titillation of finally getting a peek at a lady’s most top-secret zone. It’s like the Area 51 of body parts, and we’re like horny Fox Mulders.

But at the end of the day, cunnilingus is just another service that men offer women to ingratiate themselves, like buying dinner or helping move furniture or programming the DVR. Oral sex is a fun chore, perhaps, but still a chore…not something either gender is rushing out to do for a living if they can help it. It’s a love language we use to keep our partners happy, and we enjoy it because it keeps them happy. Yet with every passing year, women are going to find it harder and harder to snag attractive men who will perform these services for them. The culprit, interestingly, is the economy.

“The Decline of the American Male” has been written about ad nauseum, and I’m sure you’ve heard the broad strokes: The Great Recession hit men much harder than women, and left the male population of this country a lazy, unemployed mob of slackers and stoners. 20% of young men don’t work at all. Women outnumber men on college campuses, and a good looking guy with a decent job is getting harder and harder to come by. In societies where good men are hard to find (we see this often in post-war periods, where many have died) the remaining males get pickier, they have higher numbers of sexual partners, they wait longer to commit in relationships, and generally don’t have to beg quite so hard to get laid.

And therein lies the problem, ladies: Begging men have been your main source of cunnilingus. If going down on a woman is a seduction tool, like buying flowers or writing poetry, then you’re going to see it become as infrequent a gesture as, well, buying flowers and writing poetry. I have spoken with a variety of female friends in their late 20’s and 30’s about this subject, and they have anecdotally confirmed: Men in this age group–at least the desirable ones–are going down less and less often, for shorter and shorter periods of time. I’m not saying it will disappear entirely, but it’s becoming more of a quaint formality; a rushed inspection of the cork before you drink the actual wine.

On the bright side, there’s still plenty of oral sex to be had…if you don’t mind college guys and men of a certain age. Apparently, those are the two male demographics most likely to plead for the opportunity to impress you with their quick tongues. The young guys, I assume, because they’re poor and it’s one of the few currencies they can realistically offer. The old guys, because they’re past their prime, and need to use every trick in the book. A lot of guys in their 60’s have back problems too, so lying in bed with their mouths agape is about as adventurous as they can get.

So get it while you can, women. Good head is an endangered species. And Michael Douglas telling everyone that vaginas spread throat cancer isn’t helping the cause.

Ladies, do you agree? Are guys in their 20’s and 30’s keeping their mouths shut? Do older men and young guys beg for the opportunity? Sound off in the comment section!

If chivalry is dead, how come I’m still paying for dinner?

16 Mar

It is 2,000,000 B.C. A small tribe of early humans known as Homo habilis have made their home on the plains of northern Africa. Of the hundred or so humans in the clan, one woman sticks out from the rest. She is beautiful; wide hips that signal she has a good chance of surviving childbirth, big breasts that are certain to contain a bunch of milk for hungry babies. The cavemen all drool over her, clamoring for her attention. One caveman looks around at his competition…he is strong and handsome, but then again, so are the other men. How can he stick out?

As the cavemen all take their turns flexing their muscles for the woman, displaying their strong biceps and hairy, masculine chests, this particular caveman has an idea. He approaches her with a bouquet of berries he has picked in the wild. She smiles…what a lovely gesture! Berries are delicious. She accepts his invitation to tour his caveshack. He plays some Barry White on his iPod, gives her a few more berries, and the rest is history.

Chivalry is born.

Modern chivalry, at its most basic level, is a sexual display that signals a man is both capable and willing to provide a woman with things she needs. They may be small gestures, but they are meaningful. A Victorian gentleman who throws his coat on a puddle for a lady is saying “Look at the spectrum of things I can do for you. You know I can do the big things, like provide you with food and shelter, and protect you from danger. But I can attend to your smallest needs as well, such as keeping your feet dry. If I weren’t fully devoted to you, I wouldn’t sully my coat. And if I weren’t affluent enough to get this coat cleaned today, I wouldn’t so effortlessly sacrifice it. As you can see, m’lady, there is no reason for you not to have sex with me.”

And it’s not just humans. The males of many species must demonstrate their ability to provide gifts or services to females as part of the mating ritual. The male bowerbird, for instance, decorates his nest with pretty, monochromatic arrangements of flowers, stones, and feathers as gifts for his beloved. You may ask: Why is it the male gender that must be chivalrous? Nature’s rule. Women bear the greatest costs of childbirth, not men. Thus women must be choosy. That means men must compete for women’s affections, and chivalry gives men a leg up on their competition.

And yet despite its two million year existence, every week I see some article on the interwebs about how “chivalry is dead.” There seems to be a feeling out there that when women got the right to vote, equality in the workplace, and their own NBA league, they sacrificed their right to chivalry. Evidence includes men no longer buying flowers for a first date, opening car doors for women…and when was the last time a guy threw his Volcom hoodie over a puddle for you?

Well I say this is bull poop. Permit me, for a moment, to step outside my role as impartial relayer of evolutionary logic and defend my gender from this unwarranted attack.

Chivalry is an evolving trait; it isn’t dead, it’s just changing. No, guys don’t buy flowers any more, but they also don’t bring berries any more like cavemen might have. They do other things. In 2011, men help women move. They lend them their trucks. They make them drinks. They let them ride on the handlebars of their beach cruisers. They kill spiders. They fix broken drawers. I’m pretty sure women are physically capable of doing things like moving and fixing stuff. In fact, they have no trouble doing these things themselves…if there’s no man around to trick into doing it with a smile and some cleavage.

Meanwhile, it’s men who should be complaining that rules are changing for the worse. What gives…it’s 2011, I thought we were suppose to be splitting the check by now? A woman’s idea of “going dutch” is the guy pays for the $80 dinner and the $100 concert tickets, and the girl gets the first round of drinks. If anything, women should be carrying more of the financial load, given that (contrary to popular belief) women in their 20’s are now employed in greater numbers and often out-earn their male counterparts. During this recession in particular, men are losing jobs at a disproportionately high rate. Yet an unemployed male is universally expected to pay for drinks, even if his date is a partner at a law firm.

And how come women never defend my honor when a drunk girl insults me at a bar? Meanwhile, if some guy says something stupid to my girlfriend, I’m expected to kick his ass. Maybe if women would toughen up a bit we could start sending them to the front lines in war, another area where chivalry certainly isn’t dead…while women are welcome to enlist in the armed forces, they aren’t permitted in infantry combat roles. This is to me the equivalent of chivalrous male soldiers saying to their female counterparts: “No no ladies, you stay here at base and do some paperwork. We’ll go get shot at.” What, women aren’t strong enough to pull a trigger? Please! When women start repelling Al Qaeda ambushes in Fallujah, we can talk about first date flowers.

Additionally, while men are still required to do all their manly duties, like defending you and paying for things and getting shot, women seem to be shirking many of their traditional gender roles. Cooking and cleaning? Doing laundry? Sewing my jeans? Ask your girlfriend to do any of these things if you are bored and want to get slapped. And don’t forget that women seem to hold the ultimate power in any relationship: withholding sex. I don’t get this–girls like sex as much as guys, right? Hmph. To illustrate the other end of the spectrum: when male bedbugs want to copulate, they don’t even ask. In fact, they don’t even use the female’s sex organs. They just use their dagger-like penis to impale the female bedbug and deposit his sperm. Go talk to them about chivalry.

Bottom line, this is a great time to be a woman. I’m not sure what all the complaining is about. When it comes to the fundamental romance structure, absolutely nothing has changed. By and large, it is men who must approach women. Men who must profess their love; men who must buy diamond rings. If the marriage falls apart, men are more likely to pay the woman money, and the mother is more likely to get custody of the kids. While men still own a whole lot more of the world, they hardly have much to show for it; they aren’t any happier than women, and they live an average of five years less. And at this terrible time for the male gender, when we’re making less and less money, and women are making more and more, and the male ego is on such a steady decline…you want to harp on us about chivalry?

Honey, I got cover letters to write. Open your own fucking door.

Why Drunk Hook-Ups Are A Good Thing

15 Mar

If I go to a bar and have one or two drinks, I usually have a fine time, perhaps watching a football game or chatting with friends. If I have three to five drinks, I usually get up the confidence to meet girls, and sometimes get a number. Eight drinks, you’ll see me making out on the dance floor with some chick I just met. Ten drinks…I’m waking up the next morning at her apartment in Long Beach, piecing my night together, looking for my underwear and wondering how much the cab home will cost. Oh, booze. You’ve done it again!

Alcohol is a well-known social lubricant, alternatively loved and despised in modern cultures. We all know the groupthink on drinking: “Yeah, it increases confidence and decreases inhibition, but most of that is in your head.” Fair enough…I admit that many a night I’ve gone home with someone I thought was a Cameron Diaz, only to wake up next to a Courtney Love. But I did go home with somebody…shy sober Adam doesn’t do that, ever. And herein lies a fundamental point: For all the trouble it causes, alcohol is a bridge that connects modern men and women to their primal instincts and urges. And while that may not always be pretty, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Human evolution isn’t just the story of our own history, but of all the species who predated us. They’ve all chipped in something: For instance, those two kidneys you carry are a relic from our aquatic ancestors, who needed help filtering a lot of salt water. Humans no longer need two kidneys, but we have them anyway. Weird, isn’t it, that all that modern human stuff inside you is built on some old fish parts?

Your brain evolved the same way. It’s built on an insect chassis: the most basic part of the human brain works without even having to think about things. Pump blood. Breathe air. These programs operate continuously in the background. Reptiles added a layer on top of that, contributing “instincts” to the organ: Hungry? Time to find food. Horny? Time to have sex. Scared? Better fight or run away.

Then mammals took it to another level: conscious thought. And in the past million years humans have really made an art of it. We pioneered the part of your brain that asks “Which shirt should I wear?” “Is there a God?” “Team Jacob or Team Edward?”

What I find interesting about alcohol is that it seems to take us a step backwards, removing us from the realm of conscious thought and taking us back to the mid-level domain of instinct. Thanks to alcohol, I have seen sophisticated trial lawyers mindlessly devouring leftover spaghetti with their hands. I have seen well-behaved family men punch strangers in the face for offering minor threats. I have seen corporate executives banging in public bathroom stalls.

Civilized behavior? No. Necessary behavior? Yes. Eating, procreating, defending yourself with violence…these are the instincts that helped your ancestors survive. We have to remember that the most sophisticated levels of our highly evolved brains were not meant to replace instincts, but to compliment them. We forget this in the modern age. When you feel the instinctive desire to engage in sexual intercourse, your conscious brain is supposed to help you do it. It is not supposed to reason its way out of the desire. Take the following statements:

“I like this guy, but he’s not Jewish, so I can’t date him.”

“I’d like to have kids, but I’ll wait till I finish my master’s degree.”

“I am attracted to that girl, but she might reject me, so I’ll just sit here.”

Gah! This is what modern men and women are doing with their superbrains? Talking themselves out of sex? It’s no wonder that living with these ass-backwards social norms Monday through Friday drives us to binge drinking on the weekends. I think we’d probably lose our goddam minds if we couldn’t get wasted every once in a while and access the real, pure, hard-wired instincts that drive our behavior and emotion.

Then again, we wouldn’t need to drink to access these parts of our brain if we were doing it more often sober. That’s how cavemen and cavewomen did it before the advent of alcohol. When they were hungry, they killed animals and ate them. When a hunky cave-dude met a sexy cave-babe, they didn’t text each other for a few weeks or fill out eHarmony questionnaires on compatibility. They smiled, embraced, and snuck off for a steamy cave-bang. That cave-dude and cave-babe are your very, very great grandparents. What made them tick makes you tick.

Nowadays, everything is different. Thanks to religion, nobody wants to be a sinner, a deviant, a harlot. We’re taught that our urges are evil…the instincts your ancestors spent millions of years developing are now simply vulgar vices that should be repressed at all costs. The most necessary of all evolutionary adaptations–the desire to reproduce—has been stigmatized. Oh, I’m sure a lot of people think 2011 is a time where society is far more liberal and open to sexuality. Yeah, if you compare it to the 1950s, or 1500s. But I compare it to the era where our minds and bodies were actually forged by mother nature: 500,000 years ago. And mark my words…the 70’s ain’t got nothing on 500,000 B.C. Caveman mating would have made Austin Powers blush.

Drunken hook-ups have at times filled me with feelings of regret or shame. But other times they have swelled within me feelings of accomplishment, joy, and even fulfillment. I have had booze-driven trysts that ended up as only a one-night stand. But I’ve also had vodka-soaked dates that led to long-term relationships. Alcohol is neither virtue nor vice; it is merely a mental aid that gets us to do something we want to do anyway, something we should do anyway. And I’m not attacking our modern brains…insects and reptiles didn’t put earthlings on the moon, or invent the microchip. Humans did. And they couldn’t have done it if they were drunk all the time, concerned only with base instincts. But we wouldn’t have got here without the base instincts, either. Alcohol, for the time being, is a way for us to set the intellectual pursuits aside for a moment and concentrate on the simple stuff that we tend to over-complicate in our daily lives. When society learns to loosen up, when individuals get in touch with both their modern and primitive selves, we won’t need the booze as much. Until then, like the slags we drunkenly roll home—it’s better than nothing.

So to all you playboys and party girls, I say: slut it up. In the days of your ancestors, you would have been successful breeders, and the straight-laced prudes would have gotten old and grey, dying childless, their genes destined for extinction. One day, you’ll get drunk and find that special someone, and they’ll probably be drunk too. You’ll start dating, get married, have kids…and as your primitive need to reproduce gets fulfilled, your need to binge drink will dissipate. And as you stare into your children’s eyes, so full of love and wonder, you’ll barely remember that they wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for a bottle Stoli raspberry and some Red Bull.

Why Young Men Love Cougars (and vice versa)

15 Feb

Dear Blunt Monkey,

I’m 20 years old and I’m dating a girl who’s 33. At first it was really cool…she loves to do things for me, she’s really chill, and she never cared if we were “officially” boyfriend/girlfriend. But now she wants to make our relationship more official and my friends think I should find someone my own age. Is this all normal? What should I do? – Dave, Los Angeles

Since the beginning of time—or at least since the theatrical release of Harold and Maude—young men have all too often found themselves in the razor sharp clutches of older women, whom pop culture affectionately refers to as “cougars.” Now technically, Dave is dating a ‘puma,’ because she is under 40. But let’s not split cat hairs. Aside from a few extra wrinkles and maybe a divorce, they’re basically the same thing…cougars are defined less by their own age and more by the age of their younger male cohorts. So I’m just going to refer to all single women dating guys 7+ years younger as cougars from here on out.

In the past decade, cougar culture has become rather en vogue. Ashton Kutcher hasn’t contributed much to the world in the way of quality acting, but he did contribute something important to the world of dating: He and his she-cat Demi Moore made cougar relations cool again. But is it for everyone? And why does it happen?

First, let’s explore briefly why men and women get together at all. Historically, the main reason is to reproduce. But that can be accomplished in a matter of hours, or if you’re me, minutes.

Why we continue to hang out beyond that brief act of reproduction is the nature of every relationship. Our female ancestors of 100,000 years ago were prone to getting knocked up, what with the lack of birth control pills and condoms. I mean, they hadn’t even invented ‘pulling out’ yet. Thus women needed the help of men in ancient times to assist them with the burdens of the pregnancy that followed intercourse—they needed help to get food; to protect them from animal predators as well as other men; and to tell them “No, I don’t think you look fat in that maternity bear skin.” Men, conversely, needed to help women do all these things to ensure their offspring survived birth and beyond. It’s a win-win situation that works all through nature.

But as with all creatures, these relationships aren’t random. The highest quality women chose the highest quality men. That leaves mediocre looking chicks to take their pick of mediocre guys, and ugly chicks to rummage through the scraps for whatever they can find. (Or “last call,” as we barflies refer to it).

Which brings me to the cougar/cub dynamic. Times have changed; modern women don’t always need or want guys to take care of them, and guys often want nothing to do with baby-making. But some things never change, and the things we found attractive as cave men and women still resonate in our hearts today. The best chicks still get with the best guys. For women, that’s the most beautiful girl who is of child bearing age, but young enough to ensure she’s still got a lot of childbearing years ahead of her. In other words, a really hot 18-year old. For the guy, it should be a male at his peak ability to provide and protect, whether he’s hunting mammoths or managing hedge funds. In either case, we’re basically talking about a rich 35-year old. Yes, yes, of course, there are lots of exceptions. That’s not to say that a woman can’t be hot past age 18, or that a man can’t be attractive if he’s not rich, or that other things like sense of humor, intelligence, and good abs don’t come into play. But generally, this is how it works. In fact, when women say “Girls mature faster than boys,” what they really mean is “You ain’t getting this poon till you’re older and rich!” Sorry everyone: nature’s rules, not mine.

Well, as you might expect, the older guys pilfering the younger ranks of the hottest women leaves something of a quandary for the young men of the world. Girls their own age are dating older men; and they can’t date younger girls without breaking the law. So by process of elimination they sometimes match up with older women, women who missed their shot to grab a husband in their 20s, or who did, and then got divorced, and now find themselves thrust back into the jungle. Enter the Cougar.

She’s hot. Years of being single have forced her to stay on her toes when it comes to looking good. In addition, the lack of a male provider has required her to stay actively employed well into her 30s, so she’s probably attained a level of career success that has afforded her above average confidence, experience, and money. And you can understand how this attractive older woman, with class and smarts and money, simply can’t understand why she has been unable to land a good man (and there are so many reasons! But that’s another subject).

So, in a fit of desperation, she decides to give up and just have fun. They all say that. Older men and younger girls, eh? Well now it’s time for some revenge. As the song Conquest says: “The hunted became the huntress; the hunter became the prey.” Convinced that “love is not for her” and that “if men can do it, why can’t women?” she embarks on an era of romantic and sexual liberation.

She sees her prey across the bar…young, handsome, and naïve. She glares at him with those lustful eyes that are creepy in a man but intoxicating in a woman. She chats him up. Twenty-one year old guys haven’t been in that many bars in their life; thirty-five year old women have been in far too many. The advantage is hers. She pulls him away from his young friends, who offer him shocked hi-fives as he’s whisked into her Lexus SUV.

At first, everything is simple. The sex is fun, the terms are loose, and nobody minds a drunken text message a week later to get together and do it again. This can go on for weeks, months even. The girl gets all that uninhibited lovemaking she passed on in her twenties with a cute young hunk…just as she reaches her sexual peak, as it turns out. And the guy gets to sew some wild oats, with a partner happy to nurture him in a variety of ways, not only sexually. Remember, cougars have a lot of pent up energy that was meant to be devoted to husbands and children. Thus the cougar is happy to spend money, cook meals, buy alcohol…in her young lover, she has found a way to fill the holes (ahem) created by not having a family of her own.

But good things are not always meant to last. The most common lie a man will tell a woman is that he wants a relationship. The most common lie told by a woman is that she doesn’t. And that’s what’s going on here. Eventually, inevitably, Ms. Cougar starts to develop feelings for her young companion. Was she wrong? Maybe everyone does find love! Oh sure, people will talk about his age…but who cares! I can make this work! It’s not too late!

Then begins the chaffing on our young cub’s part. The casual sex and fancy home-cooked dinners were nice…at her place. Can’t exactly bring this girl home to mom. She basically is a mom. Plus those evolutionary instincts kick in for both parties…does this chick even have enough eggs left to fulfill my reproductive needs? Men want to bang everything that moves, populating the countryside with their offspring. Cougars want to adopt a baby girl from China. And is this guy going to be able to provide you with everything you need as a woman? You didn’t wait thirty-five years for marriage to hook up with a college drop-out who wants to smoke weed and play Call of Duty all day.

In the end, Cougar/Cub relationships are like bowling leagues: a fun idea at first, then sorta boring, and if you make a long-term commitment to it, just plain embarrassing. Both sexes outgrow the phase: young men come into their own by 30 or so, feel like settling down, and pair back up with more youthful partners. Older women discover it’s not too late to play by nature’s rules…they realize that spending the rest of their lives single isn’t going to be fun, and that by adjusting their expectations they can still find love. In other words, in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, women go from wanting Prince Charming to Freddie Prinze Jr. and finally just Freddie the Accountant Next Door.

So Dave, I give you and your older lover each the same piece of advice: If it’s fun, keep doing it, until it isn’t. Nature will sort out the rest. In the end, everybody winds up with somebody. Except Jennifer Aniston.

Have a question? Email it to askbluntmonkey@gmail.com